Do you ever have those days where you feel completely inept? Well, I have been having several of those. To begin with, my usual motivation........has lept out the window. I feel myself wallowing in self pity and knowing how to stop it and yet.....not stopping it. This seems to further compound the problem. I guess the first thing that is dragging me down is the whole job thing. I have submitted to a bunch of places and.....nothing. I'm not even getting sniffs. I'm not sure what the problem is - but I do have a couple ideas. I feel like everyone is looking at my job titles solely and not the experience behind them. I don't understand with the type of experience that I have - why I have not been able to get more than the one sniff - which was from MS. Speaking of them, it looks like they may be "going in a different direction with the position". See - I told you I bombed it - and yet I am probably in reality the most qualified applicant for that position. At this rate, I will have to work two retail jobs just to try and make things meet if I lose my job. I actually ponder working for Walgreen's these days. Can you believe that? I will have felt like I have sunk to new lows. I know I am worth more than that and smarter than that and yet - why can I not find something? Why can I not find people that might be interested in at least speaking with me? I have looked over my resume a hundred times and over the past year I have tweaked it but I think it looks great.
I find myself stressed that if I don't find a new job - I could lose the house. I find myself stressed that if I have to work for the Asian lady at Quizno's - I may just have to start on some hard core anti depressants. And yet this is where I feel I am slipping into. I feel like everything is in my control to change - and yet I can't change anything. I find it frustrating that I don't interview well and primarily because of my personality. Which btw - what the hell is wrong with my personality? I find it frustrating that there are a lot of jobs available - but not with my talents or expertise. I don't have a lot of networking people I can go to - and most that I have.....seem to be ignoring me. It's like they all don't want to tell me they don't think i can get certain jobs. I'm not apposed to menial jobs but I cannot take a job that I could have walked right out of college with no experience and gotten paid the same amount......when I do have some pretty substantial experience behind me. I've looked at Philips which is down the street from me and yet, half the time when I am looking at jobs like they have posted I go - where do you find people with all this yaya experience in ultrasound dynamics and so forth. It's a freaking marketing position.
I find it frustrating that I know what needs to be done with our soccer business, but it takes money to make money. I'm not so opposed to getting a loan - but because it is a start up - I have no idea when I could pay it off or how much I could pay off a month. And that in itself is a little scary too - especially since I most likely will be taking a pay cut on any job I do eventually get. Do I have no value to some company? Am I too much for people to handle? I'm at the point where I am about to start applying for EA jobs under the guise I have lots of experience managing to multiple things. But I know I would not exactly be ecstatic about doing that. Not because I can't do it - but because I know I could do a lot more. How do other strong personalities get hired in organizations? Is there some writing on the wall everyone sees but me? I don't know how much longer I can stay at the company I am at - it's been driving me crazy for too long. And yet, what if I can't find anything out there???? The mortgage market is in the shitter and not to be coming up for air anytime in the next 12-18 months, so even in the industry I love to hate, I can't really find something.
I find myself at night saying - you need to do this or you need to use your free time more productively and you know if you were doing this now that in one month you could be doing this, and yet I sit there. Wallowing like a dumbass. The worst part is - I keep feeling like something is going to fall out of the sky and dump in my lap and go - tada!!! Yet I feel and know that you have to create your own luck. And I am not creating it. I don't know what my deal is, and I don't even know if I feel better that I ranted a little bit.
2 comments:
The best things in life come when you least expect them.
Earlier this year I was thinking back to when I was involved with a group of individuals that shared the love of one common thing. I belonged to a crazy NFL teams message board. I had a lot of fun and met a lot of good people, but it seemed as though it wasn't real. A lot of it was probably not but I did connect with one person and over the years had thought about them often. I never thought in a million years that I would be given the chance to tell them I was sorry. The board disbanded and we kind of parted on weird terms. Then one day sitting at an airport the craziest thing happened. I was given the chance to contact this person out of the blue. 4-5 years later, after thinking I would never talk to this person ever again.... tadaaa.... they are sitting in my lap (of couse not literally). That may have made for a better story but.... anyway where I am going with this is .... some of the greatest things in life fall into your lap. I have recently touched base with this individual and was pleased to learn they are doing well and seem happy.
So the morale of the story is .... If you have pissed off someone you really care about and they disappear for years be late to catch your flight back home. Even though missing my flight really bummed me out and caused unwanted stress, I turly believe everything happens for a reason. Sometimes its hard to handle at first but when you get passed feeling sorry for yourself and being pissed off you can usually find some good to come out of it.
The stranger sitting next to you at the airport may have more in common with you than you think.
You WILL find something! You aren't one to give up- you're a fighter. I've known that about you since 5th grade. I'm praying for you.
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