I can say I'm now clearly understanding the depth of the term paranoia. Being a mother or a parent really is fraught with a million scenarios of "oh shit" or "what if...." that have you bathing in a panic mode. My brother once told me a few years ago that you'll spend the first few years just trying to keep them alive. At the time I had a little laugh and nodded my head in understanding, although it wasn't until I went through a few of these cycles myself that I trully understood the nuances of that statement. And as I go through my phase of trying to make sure i keep this alien alive, I am amazed that more kids don't die due to neglectful parents and even highly attentive parents succumbed to that split second oh shit factor.
I look around and it seems like everything is a hazard of some sort. The moment I have to go to the bathroom, and that smart creature I spawned decides to grab the stool, and go to the counter, climb on it and I will find him playing with knives...or worse that he falls off said counter and falls on the knife stabbing himself. Luckily, this situation has not happened......yet. But I still think of these things like - it could. It might. The more probable is him falling off the dinner chair and onto his fork - because he was wiggling and wobbling on the edge, lost his balance and then the fork just happens to stay in said hand as he falls on top. Hasn't happend yet either - but I think of these things. As I have the moment of the calm yet watchful eye, don't let your fear grip you Athena, you can't play to the one off percentage. I don't like being paranoid, and yet I feel like not being paranoid is what will bitch slap me back to that nasty thing called reality in the event it happens.
The other morning I was dreaming, fully in REM. And then my dream stirred. Pulling me from my unconscious state, I sat up. Something seemed off. Eery. Did I hear something? I felt a presence in my space. As I stared in the dark at 4:20AM, my sense perking, using the muted light from the other room to try and focus my perspective, I heard another slight sound. Scanning the dark room, there it was. The little head at the foot of the bed. My son was awake - very unusual. My son never wakes up this early. In those moments I find the innate subconscious connection between me and my son to be amazing. That's really the only word I know to use to describe it. He can cough through a wall, and I will wake up. Moments I've had where I think - I should just go check on him. A niggling sense of - I don't know why, I just should. Only to find him with a blanket over his face.
I know as he grows, the little things will fade away on the keeping him alive bit, and instead will be replaced with less abundance of these moments, but most likely more severe instances - the friends angle and the decisions that are made. The lack of self thought in moments you either hoped he would think, or know someone else should have but didn't. In this moment, he is constanly with someone who has a watchful eye, but those days where he won't be are coming. All I can do is take a breath. And hope I can navigate this labryinth of life with him as best I can.
Until then, I just make it my goal to be faster than him. Physically cause he his starting to run. And I find myself wondering if maybe I shouldn't have taken those Fish Oil pills during pregnancy - cause clearly it helped the spawn's intelligence earlier than I was counting on. Although I have heard once puberty hits, there appears to be some regression in brain processing. I'm wondering if that will be a blessing in disguise? Cause at almost 2 - I can't imagine what mental strategy I am going to have to employ by the time he is 16. My mother used to tell me she always had to think 2 steps ahead of me and was constantly bluffing me, waiting for me to call her bluff. Well, I better start brushing up on my chess - cause this little boy is going to give me the largest mental challenge I have ever had. He is already showing the determination and resolve I have. I'm in for a real treat. Thank goodness i have experience on my side. I'm going to need it.
