Another Bumpy Day

Sometimes I think drama just follows me. So today at about 10AM, I was called to have an update with the rest of the company in our soft seating area. Only to be told that the deal they were so close to signing with this hedge fund.....got dropped. Basically the largest lender in the country came out two days ago and said their earnings was 50% below projected and that they did not foresee the the mortgage market recovering until 2010. As is the company who was going to purchase technology from my company panicked as they too had just lost some money in the market and another large player just lost $400 mill on a different deal. So they called up the big man and told him it was off. Then we were all told today. here is the irony.....I still have a job.

I am one of about 4 people that do. And I guess my boss wants to make a go of it. After some discussions with some loved ones I think I have decided to hang out and see where this path takes me and for how long. I feel that it may be my best option financially and for all of you that know the meaning of that......well we can put up with a little more crap for awhile to make sure the mortgage gets paid. Ironically I actually feel better now that the CEO is going to take over and reallly run this product himself. I feel like it gives me more time to get our soccer biz moving and it gives me the potential in about 3 years or so to really cash out on what was offered and told me when I came to Seattle 2 and a half years ago. At this point I feel (and Tony) that I should bury the hatchet of the last 2 years and start forward with a positive face and plug away. The boss spoke with me privately after all this and while I have to take a small salary cut - it isn't anything like what I would have to take if I found another job. I also in some ways feel like if this doesn't work out in 12 months or so, that I could probably get my multi (and I mean mega multi) millionaire boss to give me a small cash loan to float for a few extra months if need be.

In the end, would I be any worse then vs now - I don't think so. With all the drama and chaos, it can send panic through one, but I feel that my path is before me and it is unfolding in due course. We shall see in the future if I was a genius or idiot. LOL But for now, I feel pretty good about where I may be headed. He said some really nice things in my one on one (like I had really matured over the past couple years - stop laughing some of you, and that I had maintained a positive attitude - stop laughing again) and made me feel important, valued and needed. We shall see if that reallly holds up, but for now, the eternal optimist I secretly am is holding out hope.

Good luck to all my co-workers!! After Tuesday, the 14,000 square foot office will be really really quiet. And that will be a little saddening. To add soem humor to it - I can pretty much guarantee the pop and juice will no longer be free. :)

What's wrong with me?

Do you ever have those days where you feel completely inept? Well, I have been having several of those. To begin with, my usual motivation........has lept out the window. I feel myself wallowing in self pity and knowing how to stop it and yet.....not stopping it. This seems to further compound the problem. I guess the first thing that is dragging me down is the whole job thing. I have submitted to a bunch of places and.....nothing. I'm not even getting sniffs. I'm not sure what the problem is - but I do have a couple ideas. I feel like everyone is looking at my job titles solely and not the experience behind them. I don't understand with the type of experience that I have - why I have not been able to get more than the one sniff - which was from MS. Speaking of them, it looks like they may be "going in a different direction with the position". See - I told you I bombed it - and yet I am probably in reality the most qualified applicant for that position. At this rate, I will have to work two retail jobs just to try and make things meet if I lose my job. I actually ponder working for Walgreen's these days. Can you believe that? I will have felt like I have sunk to new lows. I know I am worth more than that and smarter than that and yet - why can I not find something? Why can I not find people that might be interested in at least speaking with me? I have looked over my resume a hundred times and over the past year I have tweaked it but I think it looks great.

I find myself stressed that if I don't find a new job - I could lose the house. I find myself stressed that if I have to work for the Asian lady at Quizno's - I may just have to start on some hard core anti depressants. And yet this is where I feel I am slipping into. I feel like everything is in my control to change - and yet I can't change anything. I find it frustrating that I don't interview well and primarily because of my personality. Which btw - what the hell is wrong with my personality? I find it frustrating that there are a lot of jobs available - but not with my talents or expertise. I don't have a lot of networking people I can go to - and most that I have.....seem to be ignoring me. It's like they all don't want to tell me they don't think i can get certain jobs. I'm not apposed to menial jobs but I cannot take a job that I could have walked right out of college with no experience and gotten paid the same amount......when I do have some pretty substantial experience behind me. I've looked at Philips which is down the street from me and yet, half the time when I am looking at jobs like they have posted I go - where do you find people with all this yaya experience in ultrasound dynamics and so forth. It's a freaking marketing position.

I find it frustrating that I know what needs to be done with our soccer business, but it takes money to make money. I'm not so opposed to getting a loan - but because it is a start up - I have no idea when I could pay it off or how much I could pay off a month. And that in itself is a little scary too - especially since I most likely will be taking a pay cut on any job I do eventually get. Do I have no value to some company? Am I too much for people to handle? I'm at the point where I am about to start applying for EA jobs under the guise I have lots of experience managing to multiple things. But I know I would not exactly be ecstatic about doing that. Not because I can't do it - but because I know I could do a lot more. How do other strong personalities get hired in organizations? Is there some writing on the wall everyone sees but me? I don't know how much longer I can stay at the company I am at - it's been driving me crazy for too long. And yet, what if I can't find anything out there???? The mortgage market is in the shitter and not to be coming up for air anytime in the next 12-18 months, so even in the industry I love to hate, I can't really find something.

I find myself at night saying - you need to do this or you need to use your free time more productively and you know if you were doing this now that in one month you could be doing this, and yet I sit there. Wallowing like a dumbass. The worst part is - I keep feeling like something is going to fall out of the sky and dump in my lap and go - tada!!! Yet I feel and know that you have to create your own luck. And I am not creating it. I don't know what my deal is, and I don't even know if I feel better that I ranted a little bit.

I thought it was summer?????

And these are the days when I miss the summer heat of all the places I have lived in...

http://www.weather.com/outlook/events/weddings/local/USWA0038?from=recentsearch

BRING BACK THE SUN!!!!!!!!!

Can you say mmmmmm

Yes i know he is younger - but some good eye candy nonetheless.....appealing to my soccer guy side. And he scored the game winner against Uruguay the other night to lead the US U20's to the quaterfinal's of the World Cup.



ohhh Michael Bradley

The Last 24 hrs

Last night I thought my issues were confined to Tuesday. That was until I walked in to work this AM.

My Tuesday -
It started off on a positive note. We were sending out the CSS email to a targeted list of 1000 people who had kids who were seniors this year. While our open rate was almost 20% and the click through rate was about 10%, we didn't get anyone to bite. But that does not mean the small campaign was not successful. To begin with, the open and click through rate was leaps and bounds better than average. One typically has a 1-3% click through rate so we were above that curve. And realistically, the first few times you start marketing - you usually don't get good responses - all about that power of branding. I don't feel bad nobody bit yet either since the web site needs to be redone - thank you Rob for helping a sis out! - and will be fixed by months end. As well as we are sure many people went home to consult with significant others and their kids. So we shall see if anyone bites over the next week. But I am still a little bummed.

Next came my interview with Microsoft. Yes I had an interview with them after passing a phone interview really well. The problem was I was interviewing with a woman (not always a good sign for me) and not the manager I had on the phone. To begin with - I am NOT a good interviewing candidate. My personality is just too much for a lot of people and as a result it really helps me NOT pass interviews with flying colors. I can't help that I have a lot of energy and am confident and "brutally honest" about things. At the same time it is very frustrating when you know you are ok with yourself and others are not. I hear people tell me that when they first meet me I was so not what they expected and when they tell me this the sad part is.......it's like they liked me better over the phone. The weird part for me is - if I lived in the NE, I wouldn't even be discussing this topic. I would fit in. But it is too cold there. :) So I know I did great on about half the interview - but I think I bombed the other half. You know, where they ask you about all of your shortcomings and how you overcame them and all the difficult people and situations you have ever worked with in your life. Yeah, not a strong suit. not because I don't overcome them - but well anyone who knows me can figure out where I am going with this. And there were a lot of those questions by the way.

The cool thing I noticed about MS however was that everyone has an office. Getting to the campus and navigating was easy enough, but once you were inside the building - it was like a maze of winding corridors that went all over the place and you needed a map to maneuver through. In the end, the fact I got to have an interview with MS was pretty exciting and neat and the job would be totally fine to do - but I don't know I got past this girl - which by the way was a pretty girl about my age and dressed up more for the interview than I even though people were wearing shorts all over campus on a 91 degree weather day in Seattle - which is hot for here BTW. So we shall see. I got another email from this Farmer's insurance guy saying my resume had once again passed his desk and to call him blah blah blah. I don't know. Insurance? me? Appeals in a certain way and doesn't in another. I think i should call the guy though - they say their agents make bank even in the first year and they provide office space and advertising.

So then bummed off my interview, my aunt decides to stop by and that was compounded by a change in certain hormone pills that were done in the last month which by the way resulted in a couple of boils on my face. Now let me tell you something - I have had acne since I was 10. I still have it. I do not feel I should be plagued by this issue at the age of 30, and I don't feel that I should have to take medication to be unplagued by it. And when my children unfortunately inherit this awful problem from me - I will do anything and everything I can to make their suffering and teasing be minimal. I hate it that bad. I hate it so much that the fact i have never had actual boils - FREAKED ME OUT. So needless to say my poor husband got the short end of the stick. Luckily he is a great guy and we worked through my shortcomings over the next couple of hours.

So then there is today......
Well I come in to work....at my job I love so dearly *sarcasm dripping*.....and well we sent out our monthly minimum fee invoice to about 1000 people last night and I have about 100 pissed off emails from customers and another 13 messages. So we get to address all these lovely people soon. I am sure it will bring more hate mail. Apparently one guy has already told us he will spend $5K to his lawyer to sue us for the $25.....yeah cause that makes sense.........so I get to deal with more negative vibes and more people canceling their accounts. People the Titanic is sinking and there is only one life boat left. And while I can swim, right now I feel like I am in the Bering Sea..........

Stay tuned......

I BELIEVE I BELIEVE!!!!!!