Every once in awhile, I write some good stuff

if I always wrote the things in my head - I would actually probably write a lot of good stuff. But unfortunately I usually don't get it out. I found a letter I wrote to Logan almost a year ago - one month from delivering. So you can imagine the hormones and all sorts of fun stuff that was going through me at the time. Mixed in with feeling like death, I was a little surprised to go back and see how lucid I was. Usually I don't have a really good first draft, but I feel this made the grade.

July 29, 2009

Dear Logan Alexander,

As I write this letter to you which may never be read, I write it with total love in my heart and with the intention that I may never remember some of the things I say today but feel compelled to share them.

I have been told that once you are born, my life will never be the same. I have been told that I will feel a love like I have never felt before. I have been told a whole shit ton of things by a lot of people who all want to dispense their advice to me. Some of whom I respect and others who I wish would just keep their mouth shut.

As the only child I ever plan to give birth to, I know I will love you to pieces. But I also know that it comes at a cost. A cost that will at times frustrate me to no end when you are acting in your own independent thought and manner. The same independent thought and manner that you inherited from both your father and I. Oh the irony in that rationale.

As a parent I know that I will be up against a constant battle for the next 18 years of your life as I try to guide and teach you in the way I believe you need to be guided in order to be a productive member of society. I know now that your failures and successes will to some degree feel like my failures and successes as a mother. Because in your failures I will feel as if I have failed you. In your successes I will feel it was my teachings that helped you succeed. What I hope is that someday you will consider me one of your closest confidantes, but that day will not be in the next 18 years of your life. As my sole purpose as your mother is not to be your best friend, but to provide for you and nurture you in the way that a good parent will so that you can one day leap from this nest and spread your wings and stand on your own. While the thought of you graduating from high school and leaving home has me already in tears for a baby I have yet to hold, I also know that the hardest of my work at that point will be done. And that through all the new experiences you will encounter - some good some bad - that hopefully you will know that your father and I will always be two people you can rely upon for advice and guidance, or just an ear to let you vent as you work your way through situations.

My greatest hope is that when you look back, you will feel as if your parents did the best job that they could in raising you. That at the end of the day, you are successful on your own merits and it was the principles and examples we established for you that allowed you to get where you are. That you can be proud of yourself and that you find a path of happiness that works for you.

My greatest fear is that all of the teachings that we lay as a foundation for you are undone by the friends you choose or the decisions you make. And I have seen that happen with people before. While friends are an important part of the socialization of a person and as you grow will become a dominant influence in your life, they also can lead people down dangerous paths. It doesn’t meant the people themselves are “bad people”, just that they make bad decisions. What I hope for you is that you can rise above peer pressure and truly be your own independent decision maker that refuses to be swayed by another person simply because they think a decision is a good or fun one. There have been several times I have had to stand up for myself which meant I stood alone or had to make a drastic change in order to feel good about myself afterwards. I hope you have the mental strength to overcome such adversity when faced with it.

I hope the decisions you make are based on logical thought and responsible actions - although I know as a teenager both of those two ideas will be lost on you. I hope that you choose not to do drugs not because the latest Don’t Do Drugs mascot tells you to or you went through the DARE program, or because they simply are illegal, but because you understand that drugs are dangerous. That you don’t know what was done to something to alter them further or if they were even made properly. And even if you do, that at the end of the day, they simply are a mind altering substance that will eat your brain cells away. That clarity of thought is simply a chemical reaction in your brain. Not that your problems have magically disappeared or that you now have the answers to them. And that despite your supreme knowledge that “you can handle them” and “you know your limits”, that those phrases are a bunch of bull shit. That one day you will realize you wish you had saved that money spent on them to go on a cool vacation to Europe or Hawaii. And that having a woman in your life is more gratifying than any drug induced episode you may have.

It is my hope that you meet a woman who is worthy of you. I say this of course as the mother of my only son who undoubtedly will probably think there is no woman truly worthy of my son, but I will cling to hope that this is one area where I am wrong. And that even if I don’t think that woman is good enough for you, that I will at least see that she makes you happy and that you are a good match for each other. I hope that your father and I will do a good job of teaching you how to treat women so that you can have a happy and lasting marriage.

So in all those times that you are frustrated with me, know that it is because I am doing what I believe is in your best interest even though it may not feel like it at the time. That I am making decisions for you and about you based on all of my experiences that I have gone through and drawn from. Know that I am not perfect but that I will have aspired to be the most perfect mother I can be for you. And that I will always love you my dear Logan.

Love,
Your mother