The Paranoia Onset

I found an ever increasing onset of paranoia has hit me over the past 2 months.

I find myself in this mode of emailing or calling and if some people don't respond (even if I didn't ask a question) I start worrying that I did or said something to offend them. I get paranoid that I'm that bride whose bridesmaids and friends all hate her - although I only have evidence to the contrary. I find myself thinking the world is out to get me - althoug I know that isn't true. I find myself thinking i am supposed to be doing more than I am - although most people would probably like to give me a valium.

I find difficulty focusing. And yet I am going a million miles a minute most likely. I find myself starting to forget to do a menial task several times a week. I'm projecting this positive - I'm doing ok image - but I think my body is disagreeing. I find it difficult to eat much too which is a rare thing for me.

I keep telling myself - you are in charge of your destiny! And then I question if I am doing enough to ensure that or if I am focusing my priorities in the wrong places. Am I doing what I want in exchange for what I should be doing? I don't know. I know I am doing what my gut and my heart want, but my head sometimes tries to pull me in the other direction - the safer way. I'm not usually a risk taker and yet I feel like I am taking some risks when I don't have a safety blanket to do so. But then I hear the echoes of many great entrepreneurs and their stories of how - they were on their last dine, or they were eating mac and cheese for weeks when they finally saw the light and stuck to their guns and it worked for them. Google started out of a garage. Look at ebay. Martha Stewart was a housewife. Oprah was fat and unattractive and a B list actress. The Donald has been in the throes of losing it all. Jewell was homelss and playing guitar on the streets of LA. And there are countless other stories. Stories where no one believed and yet they pulled through. I guess the difference with me is I don't have anyone telling me they don't believe (at least not to my face). I actually have a lot of emotional support.

I know people are worried - hell I am worried. I believe in fate. I believe in myself. And i believe something is going to fall into place as it should - although I am not quite sure what, when or why I believe this. I have always believed in fate and yet I have always been a worrier not a believer. This time I believe more than I am worried. WHy? I'm not quite sure. I do know you have to make yoru destiny - and i am trying hard to do that. I know there are other things that I could be doing to increase my chances - but I feel those are gambles I am not sure I am prepared to take. They have consequences I don't know if I am smart enough to really understand yet. Maybe I should believe more in myself. But I guess I feel like there are too many balls above my head to figure it out right now. And yet I feel like that is just an excuse. But I do feel the goddess emerging. I do feel the strength within me.

This too shall pass............